2018 elicits a number of words for me. Change. Community. Frustration. Rejection. Grit. Blessing. Peace.

Provocative, taxing, full of changes, it grew me in more ways than I could see then. It had its euphoric moments as well as its dips, but it’s time to reflect on all of it.

The Lord repeatedly had to show me how to release my grip: from comforts, habits, mindsets. So many changes took place that I really couldn’t clutch my control any longer (how much do we have, really?) and I had release my grip and let go.

Do you ever have so much pelted at you at once that you can’t even get mad and you just start to laugh? Well, that definitely didn’t happen to me. Not at first, anyway. Eventually I had to step back and laugh at how devastating some of it seemed to me at the time, completely forgetting for a while who knit me together in my mother’s womb.

But I want more than anything to stride into this next chapter soaked with purpose and moving with intention.

Remember when a young and gawky Hercules was called a freak for being different, when those qualities that made him different are what made him into the hero he dreamed of becoming? Or when Mulan struggled to find her place in her culture, unable to feel at home in the world around her until she dove into the calling of her heart and as a result saved her entire country from destruction?

There have been times when I’ve resented the way I am. I feel very deeply, I always have, since I was very young. I remember feeling absolutely crushed, for a few years actually, knowing my parents would never budge on getting me my own horse. And lately, not every time thankfully, but some heartbreaks seemed to rear up even gnarlier than the last. Feeling deeply means I experience the relationships in my life to their fullest glory - loving, affectionate, and downright life-giving. But the same goes in its converse: when people wound - especially with the intention to wound - I carry that, like a boulder on my back, or a knife in my heart.

This part of me is who I am, come what may. And I want God to fully grow it to whatever He wants it to look like. Only He knows how that will manifest in the future.

Maxi Dress - Yumi Kim ✦ Earrings - Kendra Scott ✦ Makeup - Yudy McGuinness ✦ Photography - Jodie Brim